Relationship Anarchy Discussion: October Edition

Kale of Relationship Anarchy and I have been hosting a discussion group in Vancouver in conjunction with some Facebook group-based community (Relationship Anarchy, Relationship Anarchy Vancouver). Our sixth (!!!) discussion was wonderful; we touched a lot on creating a supportive space in future discussion groups. Here are the general notes on what was covered.

Label Use

~ the more we try to come to common ground about what the labels mean, the more we feel restricted by them
~ with the rejection of labels seems to come in-fighting and disagreement in groups
~ touched on the BDSM community’s handling of starting to let go of labels to define kinks
~ labels can help us find “our people”, in some situations
~ an intentional rejection of the implications that come along with the labels is important activism
~ prefixing any description of yourself with “I think” in order to broaden the definitions and take ownership of your perspective
~ using labels to describe our people can be a consent issue; agreement on the words used to describe someone is important
~ does this even matter if it’s really none of their business?
~ small talk is hard to navigate when you don’t want to do the emotional labor of explaining

Support Systems for Practicing RA

~ opposite time: how do we as individuals feel supported in group setting discussing our relationship choices?
~ talking about how great everyone is doing at the thing is alienating
~ sharing ways to work around the system and make sure that the people you’re involved with are taken care of/managing to circumvent the laws in place
~ self-compassion and solidarity with others who are struggling with how to go about this
~ we have a desire for more diverse relationship models in normative media
~ talking about our non-romantic/non-sexual relationships in discussion groups as much or more than the romantic/sexual ones
~ personal anecdote: finding time with loved ones: schedule chicken sucks and no one wants to do it.

Intimate Relationships

~ aren’t necessary for someone to do relationship anarchy
~ terms of intimacy should be negotiated
~ commitment vs: exclusivity: commitment is adherence to a cause or activity while exclusion is restrictive

Transitions

~ flow vs. termination
~ how do we navigate changes in our relationships with compassion and care?
~ more communication about expectations means less surprise means transitions move more easily. everyone is informed
~ taking away the “bomb” of a “breakup” can be a relinquishment of control over whether the person is in your life or not
~ the concept of failure within relationships is hard to deal with, and scary
~ what are things we are doing by default that we want to change in specific relationships?

The discussion groups occur once a month on the first Tuesday at the Tipper Restaurant and Review Room.

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