Kale of Relationship Anarchy and I have been hosting a discussion group in Vancouver in conjunction with some Facebook group-based community (Relationship Anarchy, Relationship Anarchy Vancouver). Our third discussion was riveting again. Here are the general notes on what was covered.
What does equality in relationships mean?
~ what do people mean when they ask “is everything equal”?
~ people deserve base-line respect, but responsibility to the care of that individual is subjective
~ value of agency vs. maintenance of the current state
~ why isn’t someone asserting their boundaries a positive thing when it involves a “no”?
We don’t ask these sorts of questions about non-romantic relationships, do we?
~ what do we discuss with any connection outside of romantic and sexual?
~ “how do you like to do ‘relationships’”?
~ does this mean we just fish in the pool of our immediate vicinity because it is less emotional labour?
~ giving things breathing room to see how they develop
~ basing interactions on consent
~ neighbourhood watch for grown-ups: small communities make for expectations of accountability
~ rejecting normativity is a thing we’re allowed to do, as is rejecting community.
~ it’s a privilege to be able to opt in or out of community; for some it is life or death
Libertarianism vs Anarchy in Relationships
~ the difference between “we don’t need the government, we’re fine” and “we don’t need the government because we got this. together.”
~ things are hard when you don’t acknowledge your impact on others
~ “you can do what you want and we’ll protect your rights” vs. “your decisions affect everyone, therefore everyone has a say in your decisions”
~ distinctive features: when did the line get crossed from one to the other in situations?
~ the semantics of language are an important component to communication
~ the conflation of democracy with fairness
~ social contracts: do people get to matter if we don’t care about them?
Sexual intimacy with “friends”
~ sex can be like mario kart, sometimes; it’s an activity we do together
~ how to people have friendships with genders they are sexually attracted to?
~ “Queer Platonic Relationship Request Form”
~ wtf does “friend” mean?! the word is losing meaning with the casualness that we use it
~ the “just friends” insult: as if that’s inadequate or not enough
~ establishing meaning when introductions are made
~ how does the “care queue” work, and how much/little do we care about/like people and why isn’t that okay?
~ how do we balance finite time with what we want to do?
~ Dunbar’s Number
~ establishing the differences between people who are the most important and people who we put most of our energy into
~ bookmark friends: someone you can pick up with right where you left off even though varying lengths of time has have passed.
~ distribution of emotional labour
The discussion groups occur once a month on the first Tuesday at the Tipper Restaurant and Review Room.